Arson Alert

After my last phone call with Evie, it has come to my attention that the recent fire issues may in fact be more than accidental.

I'd like to ask everyone to keep an eye out for any suspicious activities that might indicate suspicious activities. Make sure to take special notice of anyone stockpiling more flammable materials than usual.

Please report any findings directly to Captain Gin, who has agreed to help head this investigation.

Battery Dying

Ah.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Rescue Mission Memo

Attention all available minions. It has come to our attention that GIR is being held by The Amazing Steve, and after much conferring and heated argument, it has been decided that a rescue will be launched.

If you are available to be part of this mission, please notify Captain Gin, who will be organizing things. The mission is scheduled to take place at the end of the week.

SOS

Guys?

Guys?

I hope I accessed the right line.

Steve's not so amazing after all. He said we were going to go see a live taping of The Scary Monkey Show. But we didn't. He just locked me in the attic with a bag of stale Doritos. Not even nacho cheese Doritos.

Can somebody let me out?

Going With Steve

Everybody in the bunker is mad at me. On my way out the door, I ran into The Amazing Steve. He said I could go stay with him a while.

Would someone take care of Evie for me?

Bye.

Your loving friend,

GIR

From: The Amazing Steve

I'm in the Bunker.
You don't know where.
Everyone should stop and stare.

I'm in the Bunker,
Teedle-dee, teedle woo
Iron John...whatcha gonna do?

Vive la Steve!

(I found this tucked under your office door while you were away...He's an obnoxious little guy, ain't he?)

Girl Scout Cookies

Thin mints are out.

Shortbreads are in.

Lemon and peanut butter are apparently out as well. Which really gets my goat.

Caskets

If any casket shaped boxes come in addressed to "Blackbeard," they're for me. And don't worry if they feel a little heavy.

--Teddy

C5

To: The cats in the room marked "Fireworks X"
Subject: Good Design

Just shouting out to you cats: whatever that box marked "C5" had in it worked great. Good bloody design, dudes.

--Teddy

Vending Machines

To: The maintanence staff in the Secret Bunker
Subject: Vending Machines

Sorry about the mess in the hall with the vending machines. I'd try and explain, but you just can't understand my feelings about nacho cheese. It used to mean something.

--Teddy

Scheduling Issues

To: the scheduling office in The Secret Bunker
Subject: Daytime bloody concerts.

Don't schedule me on Sunday afternoon ever again. The audience wasn't nearly drunk enough. The concert Saturday night went well enough, but Sunday was a bloody hash.

--Teddy

Memo to Minions and Freeloaders

Re: Possibile illicit activities.

A reminder of smoking policy in the Secret Bunker:

There will be no smoking. We are in an enclosed space among flammable material and Gir. Weapons, including cigarettes of legal and illicit varieties, are not to be within the Bunker walls. Not to mention we live in incredibly tight quarters and I don't wanna have to smell you nut jobs.

On a related point: If anyone has been in contact with a man by the name of The Amazing Steve (aka Ded) please refer yourself to the infirmary for an immediate checkup.

The Amazing Steve

You Haven't Seen The Last of Me! Watch Your Back.

Sincerely,
The Amazing Steve

Cupcakes and Cuckcoo Clocks

The Scream got rid of the minions bothering Evie. She went back to the Infirmary because she needs space. I offered to take her out in my escape pod (hidden in Hamdingers box in the back of the galley), but she said it wasn't that kind of space.

So I came here to work for a bit. Lots of mail piled up. Must be big doings elsewhere in the bunker. Maybe Captain Gin is baking cupcakes. I loooove cupcakes. She doesn't make them very often. And sometimes when she does, she tells me not to eat them because they're for particular--particu-lar, par-tic-u-lar--minions. But I do love cupcakes. Especially chocolate.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. So I sorted the mail, although there were a couple that could go into more than one category. I ripped those in half and put one part in one box and the other in the other. Anywho there's a big package left over. It must be a present for the Almighty Tallest. I think it's a cuckcoo clock. It's ticking. A lot. I didn't even know it was his birthday. I'll put it in his room for him.

Oooh. If it's Iron John's birthday, Captain Gin should make cupcakes. And cookies. And ham. I'm going to the galley to talk to her. And lick the bowls.

Posters

I found these blueprints. Got "Confidential" stamped on them, and "Super Secret" posted across the top, and "yadsmood" all over it. I found them under a box of fun sized Doritos. Real smart.

Anyway, who wants them?

Dear Mr. Iron John,

It has come to our attention that you have neglected to file an income tax return with the IRS. At present, your return is three weeks in arrears. If your return is not filed within thirty days, further action shall be taken, up to and including:

Garnishment of wages
$50,000 fine
365 days in a federal penitentuary (366 if a Leap Year)
A date with Chelsea Clinton
Having your toenails removed with icicles
Seizure of all assets (including homes, cars, secret lairs, and comic book collections)

Please acquiesce and no further action will be taken. If this letter has reached you in error, please discard.

Molly Pinkwater, IRS Agent (aka The Man)

Confetti!

Did somebody have a party in here? There's confetti all over the floor.

I'm gonna roll around in it.

Wheeeeeeee!

Where the hell is the suggestion box?

[snipped],
2300 [snipped] [snipped]
[snipped], [snipped] [snipped]

To whoever,

Where the hell is the suggestion box? Jesus.

--Bloodthirsty Teddy

p.s. I do have ideas sometimes.

p.p.s. Cookies and other baked goods. Hint, hint.

p.p.p.s. I know where you live. All of you.

Minion Inquiry

Bruno
Minions R Us
2300 Briar Rd.
Top Secret, USA



To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to inquire about your need for supplementary staff. As an ambitious global network with goals of world domination, I am sure you would agree on the difficulty of finding quality minions. Have no fear, Minions R Us is here!

Our company's mission is to provide enterprising go-getters like you with the highest quality temporary, permanent, and dispensable staff. Our vast catalogue of minions includes many levels of brains and brawn, all available at wholesale rates.

I have enclosed a sample catalogue to illustrate the quality and variety of minions you can purchase or rent. If you have any questions at all, please do not hesitate to call at ###-####, extension 56.

Sincerely,

Bruno

Organization System

Note to Staff: To begin organizing correspondence, we will begin sorting all mail into the following categories:

Fan Letters
Requests For Information
Alliance Proposals
Junk Mail
Invoices/Bills
Government Correspondences
Death Threats
All Other Types of Threats
Catalogues

Additional categories to be added as needed.

Germany

Note to staff: Someone needs to sign for this shipment of eight hundred violin cases. It's been blocking the hall for like a week. The guy with the clipboard looks like he's running out of change for the vending machines.

Enter the Mailbox

After my great success in returning the over-large minions to their proper sizes, Iron John has assigned me the task of setting up a system of sorting the various forms of mail that come into the bunker daily. Since the minion previously in charge of the mail room had that unfortunate accident a number of weeks ago, the sorting is a bit behind.

I've asked a few members of the bunker staff to help me get the mail room up and running smoothly once again. I'm confident that between us, we'll have things ship shape in no time at all.